Ryan Durkin

Ryan Durkin, candidate for President of the United States, recently took the time for questions at his head campaign offices in Chicago where he answered all my questions thoughtfully. What transpired was as series of well thought out questions that revolved around drugs, John Kerry, Durkin’s chat sessions with Ralph Nader, Mean Girls, Spy Kids 2, and much more. As such, the United Front proudly endorses Ryan Durkin For President. When it comes down to all the candidates, Ryan Durkin is the only man who can lead our country to prosperity, peace, and morality. Not too much mention rock n’ roll.

First off you have stressed that you want to appeal to the youth of America.  Why do you think both Republicans and Democrats have done such a bad job at appealing to the youth, which is a very important constituency?

They don't really have the inside scoop on what kids are listening to today.  They keep quoting Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder in their speeches, trying to create common ground with the youth.  I'm quoting Hilary Duff and Good Charlotte.  They keep trying to con kids into voting for them by giving them free ecstasy.  I know that ecstasy is old news!  The rave culture died when E2 got shut down...everyone knows that!  I give the kids meth and use words like "stoked", "right on", and "hella" when I speak.

What is wrong with John Kerry?  Why is he so weak as a leader and on the issues?  Why has he turned off even die hard Democrats?

Kerry's problem is that he's a horrible football player.  I think he lost a lot of voters when the media started showing pictures of him throwing around the old pig skin.  Sure, maybe he didn't get that much time to perfect his skills because he went off to Vietnam, but I've been in several wars and still know how to throw the good old rag doll.  Please refer to my campaign portfolio for photography pertaining to my wonderful throwing motion.

Where has your tour and campaign headed in the last few months?

We spent two weeks out west, but the majority of our time was spent whiting out some of my military records, planning our strategies for taking over Mars, and purchasing meth in down state Illinois for our youth campaign "High on Durkin".

Are there any issues in America that no one is talking about that should be addressed?

Most definitely.  America has been devoting so much time to stopping terrorism abroad that we have forgotten about the terrorism going on in our very own homes....I'm talking about pop-up ads.  They have been infiltrating our personal computers for several years now and the problem shows no signs of stopping unless we redirect our military efforts toward this growing epidemic.  When I become president I plan to bring all of our troops home and strategically position them outside several of these net advertiser's headquarters.  Anytime that I encounter a pop up, I plan on pressing a red button in my office that will knock out all power to the offending company's headquarters.

What do you think of certain third parties like the Libertarians, Greens, Constitutionalists, Socialist party and others?

Their pretty cool.  But I'm glad you brought up parties.  Because that is something that I can do that no other candidate can.  I can party like a mad man.  I used to be king of Edward Fortyhands at the Theta Beta Potato back at Yale.  I like to party!

What are five things that would happen if you were to be elected into the oval office?  Would you issue executive orders on certain matters?

Thank you for asking that Kevin...thank you for asking that Kevin.....ummm....you'll have to refer to my web page.

Who is helping your campaign and what do they all do for you?

My mom is a big help.  She bakes cookies and muffins for the staff and I before we go out and kick major ass.  It's hard to run a campaign on an empty stomach so we've all come to appreciate Mrs. Durkin's baking.  I've also been getting some mental help from  my therapist.  I'm still having trouble with the negative advertisements that Bush is running on me saying "Durkin...is he really workin?" and "Don't get caught with your pants down America, Bush for President".  Those things really hurt me but by talking to my therapist I'm able to work through them.

When you have talked to voters on the road, what have they been telling you?  Any stories that you'll always remember from a campaign stop/show?

A lot of them are asking about rare Kungfu Rick records and stuff.  They don't seem interested in my campaign at all.  It's sort of dis-heartening.  Just last week I had a young teenage girl come up to me and ask if she could whisper something in my ear.  I thought she was going to tell me something personal to her...something that I could really change when I get into office.  Instead, she just said "when you play Milwaukee next week I'd really like it if you guys play naked".  Needless to say I do anything I can to rock the vote.

Concerning electoral reform, what reforms would you say the United States needs to implement?

Funny you mentioned that since that is something I feel so strongly about.  I do not believe that campaigns should be funded by the rich.  Real people like you and me she fund them.  My proposal is to limit all campaign funding to selling M&M's in front of Walmart.  This way you are getting in touch with your voters all while standing in at location that is very patriotic and symbolic of American life.  Furthermore, you have to work for your funds.  If you can't make money from sellin' M&M's how are you going to try and claim Mars for America?  It just makes sense!

What do you think of Ralph Nader's campaign this time around in 2004?  What did you think about him in 2000?

I respect Ralph.  We use to play Magic the Gathering before debates in 2000.  It really helped to calm him down.  You wouldn't guess it by his passive speeches but he's actually a pretty wild guy.  That time he fell down the stairs when he came out to party with us for Spring Break was hilarious.  The guy went down two flights of stairs at the Hyatt and managed to hold on to his beer all while singing the lyrics to "Ride the Right Wing" by Lars Ulrich's conservative side band "Old Glory".  I actually haven't seen Ralph since that day, so like you I was pretty surprised to hear he's running again in 2004.

While I'm sure a list of what Bush and his administration has done wrong in the last four years would be very long, but what are the general and most important things they have done wrong in your opinion?

Whiting out his military records himself.  I told him to have one of his associates do it when he called me asking for advice.  But he insisted that he do it because he's insecure.  I told him that Michael Moore hangs out all day outside the building that stores military records but he didn't believe. After he had smeared everything out he told me that he didn't see anyone in sight while walking out of the building except a big guy with a baseball cap and glasses hanging around another guy holding a movie camera.  I knew he was in deep shit then.  Poor guy, he should have snuffed them out of their foxholes.

What do you think of any local Illinois and Chicago issues that are pressing and need to be met?

Glad you brought that up because I know you are one of my main supporters on this...we need more Jack n' the Box locations in Illinois.  They have great $1 tacos that are very nutritious yet no one seems to be pressing this issue.  We have every other fast food chain under the umbrella here except Jack n the Box.  Hell, we even have Blimpie's!!!

What do you think of Daley's plan to put an addition 200 cameras around Chicagoland for "security"?

Actually, I had discussed that with him at a meeting last week.  Between you and me, that's for a reality TV show that NBC will be airing next year called "Windy in Chicago".  The security thing is just a front.  They are trying to catch some good footage on some of the stuff that really goes down in Chicago, like kids spitting on the sidewalk, rich women trying to drive their SUV's, people walking to work and bumping into each other, you know, the good stuff.

What is your opinion on Obama candidate for US senate from Illinois?

He's the only guy I know that can spin doing drugs when he was younger as a strong point for his campaign.  I tried to do the same but I always come up short.  Yesterday I gave a speech at "Let's Blow Them All Up" Conservative Think Tank LLC in downtown Dallas.  During the speech, I told them about how I used to sniff blow off strippers backs in high school.  Call me crazy, but I started getting all these weird looks.  I told them that they didn't have to act like they didn't do the same shit when they were that age.  Shortly after I was escorted out of the building.

What type of support have you gotten?  Any type of groups interested in your campaign?

Most of my support has come from my support group that I'm in right now.  I felt that any good politician should have a strong drug record because you can't fight drugs without having prior experience with them.  Unfortunately, I was unable to get off a lot of the drugs I was experimenting with but it just goes to show how far I will go to become your president.

Have you seen any of the new documentaries like Fahrenheit 9/11, Outfoxed, or any others?  If so, what did you think of them?

They were pretty good but when you put them up against Mean Girls or Spy Kids 2 it's really a no brainer.  They just lacked the smarts of Mean Girls and the suspense of Spy Kids 2.  It makes me think that Hollywood is starting to move in the wrong direction.  People just want to see good quality films, you know?

What is your overall platform?  What do you stand for?  What do you want to focus on the most in your campaign?

I just want to focus on making sure people vote for me.  I'm really not interested in these interviews and fundraisers.  I just want to make sure that when it comes time to vote, people will only have me on their mind.  We've been gearing our efforts on making fake ballots that only have my name on them and so forth to accomplish this.  People really don't give a fuck, they just want to think that they had a part in making the decision and I respect that.

Please give us all the info on the 7" that will benefit your campaign?  Who is on it and when will it be released?

Fudge Sickill Records are my main supporters.  They are funding my campaign by producing a generous offering of the upmost excellence in musical integrity.  The media portfolio package they are releasing is called "Durkin for President" and it features unreleased tracks by four groups that I strongly endorse; Authority Abuse, Hewhocorrupts, Kungfu Rick, and Littleman Complex.  And by the way, you might want to make sure you hear all the songs on side B...hint hint.

Any final comments?

"Stay golden pony boy...stay golden..."  Vote -


© 2014 KC. All rights reserved. Designed by Templateism

Back To Top